My daughter

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liyufei
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My daughter

Postby liyufei » Mon Jun 01, 2009 12:10 am

I've died, have I? Then how can I have this illusion that I’m still in the world where I was before? It dawns on me that my daughter, my pity daughter whose mother dropped her before she could learn my appearance, has grown up. I remember my queen mother and I were separated when I was 6 because of a serious conflict in royal court. After having a six-year blissful time as a carefree princess, my emperor father’s unique little darling, I had to give up all my flesh and blood and escape capture and death with “grandma”, mother’s most faithful maid to an unknown isle with a fascinating name “Xianling Paradise”. After ten years I met mother’s illusory shape and got the three sacred objects passed on from generation to generation in my matrilineal lineage. There was a mantle can’t be taken off once worn; there was a pearl can’t be laid once held; there was a stick I would rather wield it and never loosen my grip, yet I dropped it eventually so I couldn’t see my daughter any more.
Now that I’ve been back here in the same illusory shape but not body, I learn what it means. I can know where my daughter is and experience her feelings. She can recognize me at the slightest glance due to blood relationship, even if she hasn’t seen me carefully. We must be twin sisters in others’ eyes. We have exactly the same figure, appearance and voice generation by generation. She’s 15 now, only one year younger than me when I was alive. It doesn’t matter. We never look old and indeed we never become old—we have the privilege of immortality naturally because of our divine lineage— even if one of our generations would really live a thousand years. We are simply unable to watch our daughters growing mature. What we exist for if they are no longer young.
Then I fly out towards the Peak of Ling Mountain. There I see a girl lamenting in distress. A boy of striking demeanor and distinguished appearance accompanies her. However powerful he is, he can’t protect the girl because he’s just a mankind but the girl, is so unfortunate to be the daughter of me. I long to embrace her but I conceal my shape. She would never act spoiled and even cry for herself after she’s mature—she cannot enjoy happiness until there is no suffering in the world and all her tears must become the rain to nourish the land. I hug her in arms as if I could touch her, as if I still had a body. I’ve regained the right to cry self-absorbedly for I’ve died. She’ll regain it soon.
I continue concealing my shape and look at her quietly. The anxiety expression in her immature cheek may resemble the others’ but I hadn’t looked at myself in the mirror since I became a mother.
Yiru! Do you know I’d ever kissed on your tender cheek while you were reaching for my plaits; I’d ever pointed you to the direction of our future home while you were lying in your father’s hands; I’d ever waited for a “mummy” while you are mumbling your mouth? Yet how I wish I should plait your hair; how I wish I should live in a warm home with you; how I wish I should hear your “mummy”, you must shout it numerous times but I haven’t been to listen to it any more.
I hear you praying softly. You are making a series of wishes. What are you wishing for and whom do you want to pass your wishes to?
Last edited by liyufei on Tue Jun 09, 2009 5:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Chibi Jennifer
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Re: My daughter

Postby Chibi Jennifer » Mon Jun 01, 2009 7:41 pm

Ah, that was a sweet piece :) Still some grammar problems but we get your story overall :)
♥Xiaoyao and Ling'er~~~
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liyufei
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Re: My daughter

Postby liyufei » Tue Jun 02, 2009 1:12 am

So would you tell me where to revise? I really need some advices to make a good essay.
Thank you for your reading.

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Rich
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Re: My daughter

Postby Rich » Mon Jun 08, 2009 3:41 pm

I can see minor mistakes like
We never looks old -> We never look old
she can not enjoy happiness -> she cannot enjoy happiness

Generally you need to work on the way of speech, for example
What and whom you give a series of wishes for? -> You are making a series of wishes. What are you wishing for and whom do you want to pass your wishes to?

liyufei
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Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 1:14 pm
Gender: Female

Re: My daughter

Postby liyufei » Sun Jun 14, 2009 1:24 am

Thank Rich. :D
Just think about the scene when Ling'er kneel down in front of her mother's statue and get the three scared thing then inherit...
This story is talking about Yi Ru's succession to the position(this word is not so exact. It may be sth like dignity or else). So Ling'er come back from somewhere just like Wu Hou years age. The cute boy is surely Yi Ru's bf or husband. They are only two, even one less than Ling'er(A Nu). :(
At that time, Yi Ru is praying happiness for living things, and she's still uncapable until her mother...
It that make sense now? :wink:

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Rich
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Re: My daughter

Postby Rich » Mon Jun 15, 2009 1:48 pm

You are writing from the prospective of Ling'er. Yet you did not make it very clear. So I suggest you write an introduction paragraph. You need to tell your readers that you are speaking as Ling'er.


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